The weekend round-up 12-15/12-19
In this week’s edition… the Western Kentucky mascot gives the Packers their first loss, Kobe Bryant has a shitty week, the world’s greatest golfer dies, Jim Boeheim molests his non-conference schedule, Nevada hates Hawaii, Megatron brings a gun to a knife fight, Peyton Manning propels his Colts to their first win and the bowl season starts off with a bang.
The week before Christmas is generally a hit and miss week as far as the sporting world goes but thanks to the NFL it was a tad bit more interesting than a renal exam.
We will start off with the world’s greatest golfer dying in North Korea. Who is the worlds greatest golfer you might ask? Well it is undoubtedly the former leader of North Korea, Kim Jong Il who once knocked in 11 hole in ones the first and only time that he ever played golf. Hey his 13 security guards were witnesses.
Aside from being the world’s best golfer he was also the world’s largest buyer of Hennessey (only after 2pac died), had his old high school blown up because he hated school, tried to breed giant rabbits to end his countries starvation problem, kicked all short people out of N. Korea, bought $20 mill worth of Mercedes at once, claimed his birth caused a spontaneous rainbow breakout and oh yeah, he also injected himself with the blood of virgins to keep himself young.
Don’t believe the Mullet? Well check this out bitches. Kim Jong Il runs shit
Fuck you Tiger, what have you done lately except bang a bunch of nasty porn star bitches? KJ-ill probably just pulled some sort of “make my own chicks on a computer” Weird Science type shit to create his hoes.
In boring ass non-conference NCAA hoops news the mullet stumbled upon this interesting little stat, Jim Boeheim and his Syracuse Orange have only played 22 non-conference road games since 1996. Think about that one for a second.
With all that time extra time on your hands at home it is going to be pretty hard to convince a jury that you didn’t know that your perverted turd of an assistant wasn’t trying to get fresh with little boys. Then again I guess it gives legitimacy to his argument that he never saw Bernie Fine take “ballboys” on the road with him since they always played in the Orange patch.
In the world of NBA lockout news Kobe Bryant had a pretty shitty week. First his dream of playing with Chris Paul got nixed by Devil Stern which led Kobe to give an anger laden rant to the media aimed at Stern and Laker GM Mitch Kupchak. Then the Lakers gave his homie Lamar Odom to the NBA champion Dallas Mavs in exchange for a package that included naked pictures of his wife Vanessa,who would divorce him 2 days later.
Somewhere a retired fat Shaq is laughing at you and watching his rendition of “Kobe how’s my ass taste” on Youtube Shaq rap
was heard asking the undefeated fudge Packers how his ass taste Sunday after he led the Chiefs to an upset victory over the Cheesenerds. Aaron Rodgers was later quoted as saying that Crennel’s ass tasted kind of like “ribs with a hint of stale peeps”.
Huh, interesting. the Mullet would have taken Romeo for a pork chop guy.
Anyhoo the most annoying question in the history of sports, the “can you go 19-0” has been laid to rest for another season and Mercury Morris is somewhere talking shit to anyone who will listen while popping a bottle of J Rotgut champagne.
Lets float around the league….
In Indy the Colts were intimated into winning by Peyton Manning who apparently wasn’t happy with the thought of having Andrew Luck breathing down his neck and threatened current Colts players with the dreaded “if you don’t win more games than the Vikings this year than I am going to go Yancy Gates on your asses”. The Colts responded with the dub.
In Minnesota, Drew Brees got thousands of fantasy teams into the next round of the playoffs with his 5 TD performance and subsequently pissed off housewives everywhere that now have to listen to their husbands rambling on about their fake football teams for another week.
Shit. I bet those bitches will care once they realize that you win money for playing that shit. The mullet says fuck that! Don’t jump on my fantasy train now, you aren’t getting a better Christmas present out of it so shut up and get back to that hamburger helper biatch!
In Buffalo Reggie Bush once again tried to distance himself from being the guy that “tapped Kim Kardouchians fat ass” to an actual NFL running back with his 200 yards performance against the Bills.
In Tebow Colorado the Broncs fell short of the Patriots in the battle of heaven versus hell as the Broncos fumbled the ball 200 times in Patriots territory and subsequently leading to Tom Brady celebrating like a guy that had never won an NFL game let alone 3 super bowls. Look Tom, we are all annoyed by ESPN’s constant “Tebowcenter” but you have won 3 Super Bowls, act like it, douchbag.
In the Bay area the Detroit Lions went into the Oakland/Alameda county prison and pulled out a victory over the Raiders on a 98 yard drive with 2 minutes left. When asked about his stellar 200 yards/2 TD performance in front of a hostile crowd the Lions stud wide out Charles Johnson was quoted as saying “man this crowd wasn’t intimidating, I watch Lockup on MSNBC every weekend”.
Last but not least in water cooler talk the Nevada Wolfpack football team has sold a total of 10 tickets to their bowl game in Hawaii. Yes I said 10. The school is on the hook for the other 5,600 tickets allotted to each team for competing in this boring ass bowl that may or may not really exist. The Mullet has requested a press pass to the Sheraton Hawaii bowl to confirm that it is actually a real bowl game. We will see how that turns out.
The Mullet wishes everyone and your families a Merry Christmas! See you next week!