The weekend roundup: Christmas edition
Scott Farkis flys little blue car flags, Marshawn Lynch rocks his “skittle” Nikes, Romo plays knuckles with a helmet, LeBron James dad, The NBA dazzles us (I think), Cincinnati fans suck, Torrealba Tysons an ump, Brandon Jacobs hates fat people and why you shouldn’t cheat on your girlfriend if she owns Packer season tickets.
The X-mas weekend got off to a roaring start as the Colts won yet again beating the Texans on Thursday and causing the NFL to have to explain its tie-breaking scenario for the first pick in the draft in case 2 teams are tied, which they couldn’t do. The Mullet searched everywhere to see who would win the Andrew Luck lottery if the Colts wound up tied with the Rams and or the Vikings. The best I could come up with was a tweet from ESPN’s Adam Schefter that said the Colts win the pick if they are tied, which fell a little short of an actual explanation. The best the Mullet can come up with is that the NFL wants to boost off-season ratings with a LeBron James version of where Peyton Manning will taking his talents if he elects to become a free agent. The Mullets $$ is on San Fran.
The NFL entertained us X-mas eve with a whole slate of games, lets jump into Santa’s sleigh and cruise around the league….
In Cincinnati Bengal wide out Jerome Simpson provided the play of the year as he landed a front flip over Arizona Cardinals LB Daryl Washington in front of all 47 people at Paul Brown Stadium Saturday. The Bengals are basically giving tickets away to their “fans” to come watch them play Sunday in what amounts to a playoff game against the Baltimore Ravens.
In New York Giants running back Brandon Jacobs had heard enough of Rex Ryan’s shit talking tactics which apparently fire up the other team more than they get his own team ready to play. In a post-game interview Jacobs referred to Ryan as a “big mouth, big bellied” coach and threatened to punch the Jets leader. This story seemed to overshadow the fact that Mark Sanchez, well, sucks Mexican donkey dick under center. I mean this guy is terrible.
In Texas Tony Romo decided to play a good old fashion game of knuckles against the helmet of Eagles defensive end Jason Babin. The helmet won.
In the land of cheese the Packers beat the Bears as Jay Cutler pulled his best Peyton Manning impression by showing just how important he is to his teams success by not playing. Elsewhere in Cheeseland a Packer fan chick showed exactly why you shouldn’t cheat on your girlfriend who owns Packer season tickets when she showed up to the game with this sign
Which was, well, awesome.
In the land of rain and grunge rock Marshawn Lynch rocked a pair of skittle Nikes Saturday when his Seachickens faced off against the division champion 49ers.
His “candy is dandy” Willy Wonka approach didn’t work as the 9ers sealed the victory and the Hawks slim payoff hopes with a late field goal.
In New Orleans Monday night Purdue alum Drew Brees “Boilered Up” against the Falcons as he broke the single season passing record held by the Dolphins QB Dan Marino. Marino tweeted that he was happy for Brees before reminding us all just how jaded he is about the fact that Brees broke the record under modern NFL rules that cripple defensive backs from being able to defend wide receivers.
Hey Dan, shut up. It isn’t Drews fault that you played in the NFL’s “silent era”. You didn’t have 300 pound defensive ends that run a 4.6 forty chasing you all over the field either. In Marinos day the D-line was mostly made up of fat, drunk Rex Ryans slowly pursuing him while he slung the rock around the field.
Brees now sits on 40,000 for his career. A mere 31,000 yards behind Brett Favre. Are you kidding me! Brett Favre had 71,000 yards passing in his career? Thats 10K more than Marino. Ok, that pretty much excuses him from any slack he catches for sending “dick pics” to a hot ass 25 year old chick. Also the Mullet is glad that this whole sexting thing didn’t happen sooner. Could you imagine the pics that Joe Namath would have sent? Gross! What about Wilt Chamberlain or Refrigerator Perry?
Well actually Wilt the Stilts pics would have been pretty cool, all kinds of freaky chicks from the 50s and 60s. I bet his dick had sideburns and sunglasses.
In baseball news Rangers catcher Yorvit Torrealba punched an umpire in a Venezuelan league game earning himself a 66 game suspension. This is the equivalent of Albert Pujols being kicked out of a softball beer league in South Dakota.
As Christmas Story played for its usual 24 hour loop on TBS Christmas eve, it occurred to the Mullet that Scott Farkis, the bully, is the poster child for Kentucky basketball fans. I mean seriously he is loud, ugly, dumb, obnoxious and just an all-around annoying redneck.
The NBA season got underway from what I am told on Christmas day. The Mullet didn’t see one minute of “NBA action” due to the fact my family had Man versus food on the old television all day. Funny thing is that most of the food on that show outweighed my grandmother who could kick the ass of 95% of MMA fighters.
On Monday night the Bucks and Bobcats fought to the death for a stiff in the NBA standings. I am sure someone was there to witness it.
The ESPN Sunday night conversation was with LeBron James who admitted that he grew up pissed off at his dad for not being around.
Shit, I hope the crack his dad smoked while LeBron was a kid was high grade enough to justify throwing away that multimillion dollar lottery ticket that was his son. My guess is that it wasn’t. Then again his dad probably hates him as much as the rest of America.
The Mullet hopes you got everything you wanted for Christmas and wishes all of you a Happy New Year!
See you next weekend for my Bowl spectacular edition.