The Mullets New Years resolution, Angry Birds style

Last night the Mullet deleted his personal Facebook profile after taking the bait and getting suckered into a childish spat over college basketball with an angry UofL fan. After thinking of a million pissed off thoughts that I wanted to put into words I came to one last thought, you are in your mid-30s and you are sitting in the sandbox at recess throwing sand at other adults (as well as a UK fan who I wouldn’t quit classify as an adult). I felt gay and ashamed so I clicked the deactivate button and moved on. The embarrassment still lingers.

After listening to all kinds of people who haven’t grown up past 4^th grade talk shit about Indiana basketball by saying that “Indiana fans are bandwagon” or “Indiana fans disappeared” I’d had enough. To me it is the bottom of the barrel of juvenile arguments. It’s what the kid in 3^rd grade says when he is out of statistical arguments, which doesn’t take long.

Were Indiana fans supposed to fill up their friends news feed with joy every time a basket went in? Were we supposed to annoy the shit out of people and update you every time we sat down to watch a game in the last 4 years? Oh, maybe we were supposed to post “way to go IU, we really grew as a team today” while we were rebuilding over the last few years.  Since we weren’t annoying, childish fans it meant we weren’t fans. I understand. I guess if I don’t fill up your newsfeed with videos that I like and you probably hate, it means that I don’t like music either. Welcome to reasoning in Kentuckiana sports.

So there I was at 2 am lowering myself to argue with such mental giants who were posting things like “IU fans are bitches man” and other intelligent bantering. This was a low point of my fandom and as a human.

In 2012 along with the typical “eat better”, “lose weight” resolutions I am going to not get upset about things that mean absolutely zero in the real world. Lord knows I have more pressing, serious issues to deal with in my life at the moment.

The mullet encourages you to support your team and cheer loudly, just realize that when you get all angry bird on people it makes you look like the jackass.

Happy New Year everyone!

The weekend roundup: Christmas edition

Scott Farkis flys little blue car flags, Marshawn Lynch rocks his “skittle” Nikes, Romo plays knuckles with a helmet, LeBron James dad, The NBA dazzles us (I think), Cincinnati fans suck, Torrealba Tysons an ump, Brandon Jacobs hates fat people and why you shouldn’t cheat on your girlfriend if she owns Packer season tickets.

The X-mas weekend got off to a roaring start as the Colts won yet again beating the Texans on Thursday and causing the NFL to have to explain its tie-breaking scenario for the first pick in the draft in case 2 teams are tied, which they couldn’t do. The Mullet searched everywhere to see who would win the Andrew Luck lottery if the Colts wound up tied with the Rams and or the Vikings.  The best I could come up with was a tweet from ESPN’s Adam Schefter that said the Colts win the pick if they are tied, which fell a little short of an actual explanation. The best the Mullet can come up with is that the NFL wants to boost off-season ratings with a LeBron James version of where Peyton Manning will taking his talents if he elects to become a free agent. The Mullets $$ is on San Fran.

The NFL entertained us X-mas eve with a whole slate of games, lets jump into Santa’s sleigh and cruise around the league….

In Cincinnati Bengal wide out Jerome Simpson provided the play of the year as he landed a front flip over Arizona Cardinals LB Daryl Washington in front of all 47 people at Paul Brown Stadium Saturday. The Bengals are basically giving tickets away to their “fans” to come watch them play Sunday in what amounts to a playoff game against the Baltimore Ravens.

In New York Giants running back Brandon Jacobs had heard enough of Rex Ryan’s shit talking tactics which apparently fire up the other team more than they get his own team ready to play. In a post-game interview Jacobs referred to Ryan as a “big mouth, big bellied” coach and threatened to punch the Jets leader. This story seemed to overshadow the fact that Mark Sanchez, well, sucks Mexican donkey dick under center. I mean this guy is terrible.

In Texas Tony Romo decided to play a good old fashion game of knuckles against the helmet of Eagles defensive end Jason Babin. The helmet won.

In the land of cheese the Packers beat the Bears as Jay Cutler pulled his best Peyton Manning impression by showing just how important he is to his teams success by not playing. Elsewhere in Cheeseland a Packer fan chick showed exactly why you shouldn’t cheat on your girlfriend who owns Packer season tickets when she showed up to the game with this sign

Which was, well, awesome.

In the land of rain and grunge rock Marshawn Lynch rocked a pair of skittle Nikes Saturday when his Seachickens faced off against the division champion 49ers.

His “candy is dandy” Willy Wonka approach didn’t work as the 9ers sealed the victory and the Hawks slim payoff hopes with a late field goal.

In New Orleans Monday night Purdue alum Drew Brees “Boilered Up” against the Falcons as he broke the single season passing record held by the Dolphins QB Dan Marino. Marino tweeted that he was happy for Brees before reminding us all just how jaded he is about the fact that Brees broke the record under modern NFL rules that cripple defensive backs from being able to defend wide receivers.

Hey Dan, shut up. It isn’t Drews fault that you played in the NFL’s “silent era”. You didn’t have 300 pound defensive ends that run a 4.6 forty chasing you all over the field either. In Marinos day the D-line was mostly made up of fat, drunk Rex Ryans slowly pursuing him while he slung the rock around the field.

Brees now sits on 40,000 for his career. A mere 31,000 yards behind Brett Favre. Are you kidding me! Brett Favre had 71,000 yards passing in his career? Thats 10K more than Marino. Ok, that pretty much excuses him from any slack he catches for sending “dick pics” to a hot ass 25 year old chick. Also the Mullet is glad that this whole sexting thing didn’t happen sooner. Could you imagine the pics that Joe Namath would have sent? Gross! What about Wilt Chamberlain or Refrigerator Perry?

Well actually Wilt the Stilts pics would have been pretty cool, all kinds of freaky chicks from the 50s and 60s. I bet his dick had sideburns and sunglasses.

In baseball news Rangers catcher Yorvit Torrealba punched an umpire in a Venezuelan league game earning himself a 66 game suspension. This is the equivalent of Albert Pujols being kicked out of a softball beer league in South Dakota.

As Christmas Story played for its usual 24 hour loop on TBS Christmas eve, it occurred to the Mullet that Scott Farkis, the bully, is the poster child for Kentucky basketball fans. I mean seriously he is loud, ugly, dumb, obnoxious and just an all-around annoying redneck.

The NBA season got underway from what I am told on Christmas day. The Mullet didn’t see one minute of “NBA action” due to the fact my family had Man versus food on the old television all day. Funny thing is that most of the food on that show outweighed my grandmother who could kick the ass of 95% of MMA fighters.

On Monday night the Bucks and Bobcats fought to the death for a stiff in the NBA standings. I am sure someone was there to witness it.

The ESPN Sunday night conversation was with LeBron James who admitted that he grew up pissed off at his dad for not being around.

Shit, I hope the crack his dad smoked while LeBron was a kid was high grade enough to justify throwing away that multimillion dollar lottery ticket that was his son. My guess is that it wasn’t. Then again his dad probably hates him as much as the rest of America.

The Mullet hopes you got everything you wanted for Christmas and wishes all of you a Happy New Year!

See you next weekend for my Bowl spectacular edition.

The weekend round-up 12-15/12-19

In this week’s edition… the Western Kentucky mascot gives the Packers their first loss, Kobe Bryant has a shitty week, the world’s greatest golfer dies, Jim Boeheim molests his non-conference schedule, Nevada hates Hawaii, Megatron brings a gun to a knife fight, Peyton Manning propels his Colts to their first win and the bowl season starts off with a bang.

The week before Christmas is generally a hit and miss week as far as the sporting world goes but thanks to the NFL it was a tad bit more interesting than a renal exam.

Lets go…

We will start off with the world’s greatest golfer dying in North Korea. Who is the worlds greatest golfer you might ask? Well it is undoubtedly the former leader of North Korea, Kim Jong Il who once knocked in 11 hole in ones the first and only time that he ever played golf. Hey his 13 security guards were witnesses.

Aside from being the world’s best golfer he was also the world’s largest buyer of Hennessey (only after 2pac died), had his old high school blown up because he hated school, tried to breed giant rabbits to end his countries starvation problem, kicked all short people out of N. Korea, bought $20 mill worth of Mercedes at once, claimed his birth caused a spontaneous rainbow breakout and oh yeah, he also injected himself with the blood of virgins to keep himself young.

Don’t believe the Mullet? Well check this out bitches. Kim Jong Il runs shit

Fuck you Tiger, what have you done lately except bang a bunch of nasty porn star bitches?  KJ-ill probably just pulled some sort of “make my own chicks on a computer”  Weird Science type shit to create his hoes.

In boring ass non-conference NCAA hoops news the mullet stumbled upon this interesting little stat, Jim Boeheim and his Syracuse Orange have only played 22 non-conference road games since 1996. Think about that one for a second.

With all that time extra time on your hands at home it is going to be pretty hard to convince a jury that you didn’t know that your perverted turd of an assistant wasn’t trying to get fresh with little boys. Then again I guess it gives legitimacy to his argument that he never saw Bernie Fine take “ballboys” on the road with him since they always played in the Orange patch.

In the world of NBA lockout news Kobe Bryant had a pretty shitty week. First his dream of playing with Chris Paul got nixed by Devil Stern which led Kobe to give an anger laden rant to the media aimed at Stern and Laker GM Mitch Kupchak. Then the Lakers gave his homie Lamar Odom to the NBA champion Dallas Mavs in exchange for a package that included naked pictures of his wife Vanessa,who would divorce him 2 days later.

Somewhere a retired fat Shaq is laughing at you and watching his rendition of  “Kobe how’s my ass taste” on Youtube  Shaq rap

In NFL news former Western Kentucky alum and Chiefs interim coach Romeo Crennel (pictured below)

who bears a striking resemblance to the WKU mascot Big Red 

was heard asking the undefeated fudge Packers how his ass taste Sunday after he led the Chiefs to an upset victory over the Cheesenerds.  Aaron Rodgers was later quoted as saying that Crennel’s ass tasted kind of  like “ribs with a hint of stale peeps”.

Huh, interesting. the Mullet would have taken Romeo for a pork chop guy.

Anyhoo the most annoying question in the history of sports, the “can you go 19-0”  has been laid to rest for another season and Mercury Morris is somewhere talking shit to anyone who will listen while popping a bottle of J Rotgut champagne.

Lets float around the league….

In Indy the Colts were intimated into winning by Peyton Manning who apparently wasn’t happy with the thought of having Andrew Luck breathing down his neck and threatened current Colts players with the dreaded “if you don’t win more games than the Vikings this year than I am going to go Yancy Gates on your asses”. The Colts responded with the dub.

In Minnesota, Drew Brees got thousands of fantasy teams into the next round of the playoffs with his 5 TD performance and subsequently pissed off housewives everywhere that now have to listen to their husbands rambling on about their fake football teams for another week.

Shit. I bet those bitches will care once they realize that you win money for playing that shit. The mullet says fuck that! Don’t jump on my fantasy train now, you aren’t getting a better Christmas present out of it so shut up and get back to that hamburger helper biatch!

In Buffalo Reggie Bush once again tried to distance himself from being the guy that “tapped Kim Kardouchians fat ass” to an actual NFL running back with his 200 yards performance against the Bills.

In Tebow Colorado the Broncs fell short of the Patriots in the battle of heaven versus hell as the Broncos fumbled the ball 200 times in Patriots territory and subsequently leading to Tom Brady celebrating like a guy that had never won an NFL game let alone 3 super bowls. Look Tom, we are all annoyed by ESPN’s constant “Tebowcenter” but you have won 3 Super Bowls, act like it, douchbag.

In the Bay area the Detroit Lions went into the Oakland/Alameda county prison and pulled out a victory over the Raiders on a 98 yard drive with 2 minutes left. When asked about his stellar 200 yards/2 TD performance in front of a hostile crowd the Lions stud wide out Charles Johnson was quoted as saying “man this crowd wasn’t intimidating, I watch Lockup on MSNBC every weekend”.

Last but not least in water cooler talk the Nevada Wolfpack football team has sold a total of 10 tickets to their bowl game in Hawaii. Yes I said 10. The school is on the hook for the other 5,600 tickets allotted to each team for competing in this boring ass bowl that may or may not really exist.  The Mullet has requested a press pass to the Sheraton Hawaii bowl to confirm that it is actually a real bowl game. We will see how that turns out.

The Mullet wishes everyone and your families a Merry Christmas! See you next week!

What Christian Watford’s shot meant to Kentuckiana IU fans.

Living in the trenches of the year-round college basketball fan-war that is Louisville Kentucky I would like to explain just what Christian Watford’s shot meant to the IU fans of the Southern Indiana /greater Louisville area.

You see I am from the Clarksville/Jeffersonville area of Indiana. I can literally walk to the home floor of the Cardinals, the Yum center, faster than 98% of Kentuckians can drive there. Watford may be forever carved in stone in Indiana basketball folklore, but after his game winning shot against #1 UK  he is nothing short of a Greek God to Hoosier fans that live in the Louisville metro area.

You see here in “North Louisville”/Southern Indiana we are ground zero for the UK, UofL and IU battleground. We have UofL and UK billboards literally in our backyards while a majority of Southern Indiana fans choose allegiance to one the Kentucky schools. Simply stated IU fans are in the minority even though we live in Indiana.

Maybe the biggest slap in the face for Southern Indiana IU fans is that the stores in OUR malls in Indiana display UK and UofL gear in the front windows while the IU gear is buried in the back of the store next to the half off rack.

IU fans haven’t been respected around these parts since the General left 11 years ago except for those 3 magical weeks in March 2002 where we had some dignity again, but that was short lived and we quickly returned back to being 3^rd class citizens in this college hoops hotbed.

Our lowest point was after the Sampson debacle when we became the poor little kid that couldn’t even afford to play with lower D1 schools. Trust me when UK fans feel sorry for you, you have officially hit the bottom of the barrel.  We might as well have been Morehead State.

You see the big 3 local news outlets, all out of Louisville, will typically do a 15 to 30 second spot on IU basketball games only after they have shown a 2 minute spot about how John Calipari feels his dribble drive offense is coming along for the Cats. Meanwhile Indiana fans like myself get our IU coverage from sites like Inside the Hall and other websites that support IU hoops. It’s beyond frustrating.

The Cat fans here are beyond obnoxious, they fly their little blues flags everywhere, wear their faded UK2K shirts all while walking around with a swagger not seen since Donald Trump’s last interview. Until they lose. Then magically they disappear.

Trying to have an intelligent conversation with them about basketball is impossible. A typical conversation with a Catfan usually ends with them reminding you that they have 2,000 wins or (insert your team here) sucks man! UK is the best! The only way to shut them up is to beat them.

I was raised on Indiana basketball by my father and grandfather. It is part of my blood. Somewhere my grandfather is smiling down after sending UK back to Lexington with a stiff in the loss column.

Coach Tom Crean, Christian and all of his Hoosiers teammates have given Indiana fans in the trenches a reason to hold our heads up high while walking around town in our IU gear. We cannot thank you enough for that.

We are Indiana

The weekend roundup 12/9-12/11

Tebow versus the Devil, Pujols is the Devil, Marshawn Lynch trippin his whip, the Heisman (yawn), Jerome Harrison is the NFL’s Charles Manson, Spurrier Urban Wiley, “Gangstas” on da court plus herpes and UK car flags.

I have decided to dedicate this week’s entry to random sports stories, since there were a ton of them, with a little NFL sprinkled in here and there.

On Thursday the baseball world came to a screeching halt when Angels owner Artie Moreno mortgaged the Mexican economy and bought his newest toy Albert Pujols. Now many people have a problem with the money he gave Pull-hoes but the Mullet took a different stance on this signing, It goes like this…. Dear Artie, YOU ALREADY HAVE TWO 1^st BASEMAN THAT CAN HIT 30+ HOMERS.  And they have a combined salary that is about half of one year of Pujols salary. Idiot. You would think he could spend a quarter of a billion dollars a little more wisely like maybe buying 4 other solid position players plus a couple starters and a few more bullpen guys or just buying a new stadium, either way the Mullet is glad Albert will be pulling-hoes in the AL west and not in the NL Central. The end of the letter went like this, trade the Cubs Kendry Morales or Mark Trumbo. Trumbo’s 30 homers as a rookie and league minimum salary fits right into my Cubs rebuilding.

In Pittsburgh Thursday night James Harrison proved yet again that he is the biggest dickhead in the NFL after clearly planting his helmet into Colt McCoys chin. Now I get that helmet to helmet hits are part of the game due to the speed of the game, and I can buy that on plays over the middle but not with Harrison. His helmet to helmets infractions always happen the exact same way with a player coming to a hault and 92 burying his helmet into their chin.  He lost the “the play moves fast” card 50 fines ago. This guy is nothing but a guy out there trying to hurt other players. Which is actually kind of cool but stop trying to sell me on the classic Cops TV show line of “I ain’t mean to do it sir”

In inbred SEC fan news; a family in Florida decided to change their babies name dropping the “Urban” from the babies middle name after Urbs bolted for Ohio State but deciding to leave the babies first name Spurrier. Just change the babies name to Tebow Tebow Tebow and be done with it redneck. The kid already has a Florida penitentiary number waiting for it so who cares what his real name is.

Speaking of Jesus’s little brother, the Mullet wrote an ode to Tim yesterday so the only other thing I will mention about Tebow is that he will be playing the roll of the God this weekend when the Patriots come calling setting up the God versus the Devil matchup in the Mile High City. Go Jesus!

In an otherwise ho-hum weekend in the NFL the only other game worth noting was the Monday night game when the Seattle crowd littered Marshawn Lynch with skittles after he scored a touchdown versus the Rams. Lynch told the media that his mom used to give him skittles on the sideline when he would score a TD as a kid after cameras spotted him eating skittles after a bad ass TD run against the Eagles.

Skittles are cool but Lynch holds, in the Mullets opinion, the greatest highlight in sports history while at Cal when after a late game TD in a victory over  the Washington Huskies, Marshawn decided to steal the injury cart from the sideline and drive it around like it was a 64 deuce and a quarter. Enjoy Marshawn Lynch Ghostriding the injury cart then did it again after a Holiday Bowl win over Texas AM Lynch rides again. This guy is what makes sports fun.

In the Heisman trophy presentation the Baylor Bears QB Robert Griffin the turd officially became the ugliest player to ever take home the Heisman trophy surpassing Miami’s Gino Torretta. Fuck you RG3, you stole from the Honeybadger and it will not be forgotten.

Let’s round up this weeks edition by touching on a little college hoops action. Xavier and Cincinnati got into the ugliest brawl in the NCAA that I can ever remember further supporting the Mullets view that basketball should allow fighting in hoops action. It makes hockey that much more awesome so why not let these thugs battle it out on the court.

And last but not least, hundreds of thousands of Kentucky fans “lost” their gay blue car flags this week when their Cats (and a uni-brow) lost to the unbeaten Indiana Hoosiers. Just in case you forgot why we hate Kentucky fans I submit the peoples evidence #1 UK herpe boys prediciton of the Indiana game. I think this guy should buy a little blue car flag to fly on that enormous herpe on his lip.  Fag

Have a great week! Only 12 shopping days left to buy the Mullet Cubs season tickets. Get on it bitches!!

Is Tim Tebow the next MJ?

I realize we have been Tebowized by ESPNs non stop Tebow coverage, and I admit that it is annoying but the Mullet is getting ready to make a statement that is going to cause criticism and ridicule but here goes. Tim Tebow is positioned to supplant Michael Jordan in American Sports History lore. The mullet realizes that this is pure blasphemy for the common sports fan but allow me to explain why.

Tim Tebow plays the most unorthodox style at QB in modern NFL history, and he is winning. The NFL is a league that above all other professional leagues in this country that you absolutely cannot win with smoke and mirrors. But he does.  Sure you can win a couple games but it will eventually get snuffed out by the uber talented players and coaches in the NFL. The NFL has the absolute best players in the world and very small rosters. Get a slight knee injury and the guy behind you has just put you out of work and you are applying at home depot the next week. Yet Tim Tebow has found a way to win at QB while being completely under skilled which is unheard of in this league.

Pure heart and hard work can get you pretty far in the other professional sports in America but not in the NFL. For example 2010 AL MVP Dustin Pedroia. In the NHL you can make a career out of heart and grit. What about the NBA’s Earl Boykins who had a 12 year NBA career despite being 5’3. The point is that this does not happen in the NFL, you need extreme skill to keep a job. Tebow wins by pure heart. He performs EVERY time in the clutch. Plus, and I will go ahead and say it, he appears to literally have God on his side. I have seen things happen in his games that I have never seen before. It could be all a coincidence, but in the NFL coincidences don’t last 8 games.

He does however remind me of Michael Vick circa 2002 who also couldn’t throw worth a damn.

Bottom line the man has caught the football world by storm with his fantastic come backs, calm cool persona all while being the all American kid and it has simply captivated the nation. When non-football fans are talking about you, you have transcended the sport.Fans, like myself, that used to laugh at his mediocre QB play, made fun of his style and obnoxiously told anyone that would listen that it will never work in the NFL for a long stretch have now found myself glued to the TV when he plays. Watch out if he ever actually learns to throw the ball and this man somehow goes on to win a Super Bowl one day (God forbid this season) he will surpass Michael Jordan in popularity. And after watching the Michael Jordan I have seen since his retirement (especially his Hall of Fame speech) that might be a good thing.

Obviously Tebow could easily wind up being the QB that all the analyst and non Tebow disciples thought he was but if he doesn’t we are staring right down the barrel of the next great American sports hero. In some aspects we already are.

The weekend roundup 12/1-12/5. The Ron Fucking Santo edition!

Santo to the Hall! Tiger Woods! The Honeybadger for the Heisman! Gretzkys daughter is hottttt! also Deron Williams jersey is retired by Arabs, D-Jax throws a big ass party, Rolando McLain cheeses for the camera,  “Dickering” is apparently a real word, Southern Miss should be BCS bound (pfffffrt), 16-0 is annoying as fuck, TEBOW yet again and The Lions get a new penalty named in their honor.

The Mullets favorite Cub of all time Ron Santo was named to the MLB Hall of Fame, finally, one year to the day after he passed away. The Mullet was at Wrigley in August when the Cubs erected Santos statue and could not happier for the Santo family. Its just too bad it could not have happened earlier. Way to go Ronnie, all Cub fans have Pass10n for ole #10. Congrats old timer, it was long past due. It’s just too bad that we have been cheated out of seeing what would have been one of the greatest hall of fame acceptance speeches of all time. The Mullet loves you Ron and will always miss you calling Cub games on the radio (tear).

In golf Tiger Woods finally won a tournament this weekend subsequently pissing off self-righteous women everywhere that conveniently forget that bitches cheat too.  Go Tiger!

In NCAA foozball news, the Honeybadger was selected as one of the Heisman finalist after his stellar SEC title game performance in which he ran back a punt, made everyone in red look like fucking idiots on another punt return where he nearly scored and recovered a fumble that he was no where near when the ball was dropped. In the Mullets opinion he is the greatest DB since Michigan’s Charles Woodsen and the most exciting DB since Neon Deion.

The Honey Badger will get a chance at a national title in a rematch against the Tide. Many are disappointed that the Tigers will not face OK State in the title game but in a generation that loves the UFC, this game will provide all the violence of a MMA match times 1000  “lads out to hurt each other” – Turkish (Snatch)

In other NCAA conference title games Southern Miss Coach Larry Fedora claimed that “we should be in a BCS bowl” after defeating Houston in the Conference USA title game. Larry would have better suited to request a rematch against Marshall who beat the shit out of them earlier this season. Hey Larry; reality just called and said shut the fuck up dickbag.

In the NFL the Fudge Packers got taken down to the wire by the slumping Giants but still pulled out a win which condemned all sports fans to have to listen to the most fucking idiotic question in sports history “can you go undefeated” “should you rest your starters” “should you play them the whole game”. If I was Aaron Rodgers I would ask “If you stick your thumb in your ass while whacking off does it make you gay?”

Fuck I hate this question! It ranks up there with the “if a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around does it make a sound?” Here is the answer…THERE IS NO FUCKING RIGHT ANSWER!!! The Colts rested starters, they lost, the Patriots played their starters and lost. SO shut the fuck up! Please! In case you didn’t know the Mullet HATES the media, except Erin Andrews who could ask me the thumb up the butt question anytime she damn well pleases. Which the Mullet would answer: As long as its her thumb in my ass lets get it on!

In the dirty NOLA Sunday night the Lions proved that they are the dumbest fucking team in NFL history after they shot their self in the again and again with stupid penalties and causing NFL commish Roger Goodell to ponder a new penalty called the “what are you fucking stupid?” penalty (or the Suh penalty) for 15 yards everytime an NFL player does something juvenile costing his team a ton of yards and the win.

In the Twin cities Tebow gave another “forget you” (because he doesn’t cuss of course) to all his haters at ESPN as he won a shootout against the Vikes.

In off the field news Raiders linebacker Rolando Mcclain was involved in a shooting in Alabama during the week raising this question; 1 why the fuck were you in Alabama during a critical week for your team and 2nd, why in the fuck did you make this face while being arrested?

Also, underpaid, underperforming Philly wide out Desean Jackson held a big ass party for his birthday this past weekend on his meager 600 k salary. The video is worth a gander D Jax party . The party had to have cost him atleast 3/4ths of his salary. D Jax ass party

In NBA lockout news Deron Williams team in Turkey, in which he played all of 15 games for retired his jersey in his final home game before returning home to play for the Nets.

Also ex-presidential hopeful Ralph Nader wrote a nasty letter to NBA commish David Stern this week criticizing him for holding 3 games on Christmas day and subsequently “hijacking” Americans of their holiday because people will want to watch overpaid children run up and down the court for 48 minutes instead of spending time with their families. Stern responded the next day by flipping Nader the proverbial bird and adding an additional 2 games to the X-mas day schedule.

The interesting part of this story was that Nader accused Stern of “dickering” with the holiday proving that the word “dickering” is actually a word. Which is……awesome!

And last but not least in the Mullets attempt to make you a hockey fan; The great one Wayne Gretzky stopped his hot ass daughters Twitter account after she posted these fucking smoking pictures The greatest one proving that although he owns every fucking record in the NHL books his greatest achievement is his daughter The Greatest one

Let’s get ready to rumble in B-Town Saturday at 5:30!

The Mullet is out like Anthony Davis’s unibrow!

The Thanksgiving weekend roundup – The Honeybadger takes your leftover Turkey because he fucking can edition

Suh wants the big turkey leg, Tebow being Tebow, The Honeybadger crushes Bobby Petrinos soul!, Stevie Johnson is fucking awesome, Catfans (no explination necessary) , Jerome Simpson pulls a John Cena, Nick Novak takes a piss and the NBA lockout ends.

In the Turkey-day matinee Ndomunkong Suh appeared to be ready to leave the game and get an early start on Thanksgiving dinner after being a complete dick and doing what most non-Packer fans would like to do, pound some dickhead fudge packer offensive lineman’s helmet into the ground then treat his arm like it is a cockroach running across the kitchen floor. Suh is surely to be suspended by J Edgar Hoover impressionist Roger Goodell.

Let’s float around the league….

In New York; Bills wide out Stevie Johnson imitated Plaxico Burriss shooting himself in the leg in his latest over the top TD celebration Johnson TD dance and spawning lectures from ignorant ass analyst everywhere telling us how he is immature and it will somehow influence our children to act like little NFL wide receiver assholes. The Mullet says fuck that! That shit was HILARIOUS! You won’t see the Mullet tip his hat too often to a University of Kentucky alum but this dude is classic. Dear Bob Cost-ass, only people over 70 want to actually see a player politely hand the football to the ref after a score so I suggest you either get a sense of humor or drink a warm glass of shut the hell up.

Cincy: Jerome Simpson pulled an textbook French soccer flop when he drew a penalty against Browns DE Scott Fujita who lightly shoved Simpson out of the way resulting in Simpson auditioning for his post NFL career in the WWE by throwing himself through the air. It is one of the most underrated and hilarious plays from the NFL weekend that got no play, but the Mullet is all about showing you the unseen so here it is; Simpson flop

Nashvegas; a local Tampa news network interviewed a Bucs player while his unnamed teammate’s dong was waiving around in the background check it out here. Dong just a floppin

In a Whales Vagina also known as San Diego, Tim Tebow led yet another late game drive in overtime. I am not sure if anyone else saw it but it appeared to me that God’s hand can be seen pushing Nick Novak’s overtime field goal attempt wide and giving the Broncs another shot at winning the game.

In other Nick Novak news, he decided to take a piss on the Chargers sideline seen here Novak piss during the game. Chargers sideline employees can be seen trying to hide Novak and subsequently drawing way too much attention to his sideline urination and causing a stir. It was later reported that he was taking a leak on Phillip Rivers mouthpiece which explains why Rivers always looks like he has a piss taste in his mouth.

But back to pissing outdoors; here is a little known fact to females, men LOVE to pee outside. It is one simple joy we have after women have taken our souls so let the man piss in peace. I can’t explain it, maybe it is the cool air blowing across our little wangs or the fact we can try to spell our names on whatever we choose to release on. Either way it is awesome!

Onto college action.

In the post Turkey day battle between #1 LSU and #3 Ourkansas the Honeybadger broke out a can of whoop ass with a punt return for a TD to give the Tigers all the momentum they needed and subsequently did in Bobby Petrinos Razorbacks. Patrino was later seen pointing and yelling across the field at LSU weird ass head coach Les Miles. It is not known if he was bitching about Miles running up the score or if he was saying “hey, look at that fucking weirdo eating grass over there”. Either way he is the bitch that UofL and Atlanta Falcon fans knew that he was.

In other NC-GAY-A news Kentucky Wildcat fans chose to rush the field after beating an unranked 5-7 Tennessee team. Besides rushing the field it was reported that it was the first time all year that Catfans could be heard saying Joker Phillips name without prefacing it with the N word. The only thing shocking about this event is that UK fans acknowledged that they had a football team, but oh yeah, they only show up and claim to be fans when they are winning. Rednecks.

Meanwhile the University of Louisville football team won in Tampa defeating the South Florida Bulls, clinching a tie for first in the Big East and simultaneously giving bowl promoters and Orange Bowl sponsors a massive heart attack that a 7-5 team could actually make a BCS bowl. The Cards only need a UConn win at Cincinnati this Saturday to get the conference BCS bid. The Mullet is all for BCS carnage so Go Huskies!

In the world of David Stren, NBA players can finally return home to play in their own country, unless of course you signed to play in China in which case you can’t come home, and after the season you will be forced into working 60 hours a week in construction and be paid in rice. All because you thought it would be a good idea to play in a fucking COMMUNIST country. Bet you wish you had paid more attention in history class now huh JR Smith.

And last but not least, just when you thought that Mike Tyson couldn’t be any stranger he decided to show up on a Brazilian TV show and sing “Girl from Ipanema” for the South American crowd.  Tyson sings

The weirdest part about this is that it has to be the first time I have ever seen Tyson on a television show that he was not completely wasted off blow and alcohol.

Mullet over and out

The Weekend roundup 11-17-11-21 – The Tebowing edition

In this weeks update, Tim Tebow, Tim Tebow, Tim Tebow and well Tim Tebow. BCS madness and Ohio State “gets Sanduskied” by State Penn after taking one in the pooper in Columbus, beer kegs kill a woman at Yale in a non-keg stand incident, Chris Berman sucks Bill dick, Lee Corso redeems his creditability by saying “fuck” on air and regains all the fans he lost the last 5 years.

Thursday – Ok, ok, ok. I have made enough jokes about Tebow, no longer will I refer to him as a shitty NFL QB that somehow wins with the help of the Lord himself. No, the mullet will now use the term “non-traditional” bad mother fucker NFL QB when I refer to this bad ass sum-a-na-bitch.

Now all “sucks” comments will be aimed at Mark Sanchez, man he sucks!

I mean really, the Houston Cougars and Case Keenum attempt more passes in one game than this guy will throw in his whole season….And he is winning. He is the anti-Charlie Sheen, he actually wins without banging porn stars (barring an unforeseen Tiger Woods like scandal of course). But even if he did bang hookers and smoke meth he has helped circumcise enough poverty stricken children in the Philippians to be considered in the ranks of Mother Teresa. Plus he ran clear over Darrelle Revis on the game winning drive reducing “Revis Island” to “Revis Island as long as a 235 God fearing stud doesn’t decide to come barreling through like a typhoon”. We have discovered the secret to Rivas Island, don’t throw his way, truck that mother fucker and pick up another 4 yards on the way to “winning”. And subsequently spawning this awesome fucking song The Tebowing song

Not to mention that anyone who makes ESPN analyst look like the idiots that they are is always a good thing, the Mullet is officially on the Tebow train. Sorry Marilyn Manson, I still like Smells Like Children.

In NCAA news

The Grand old man known as the BCS got shook up like a half assed built outhouse during a 8.5 earthquake this weekend. Starting Friday night as Iowa State? Wait minute, Iowa State still plays football? I thought they just wrestled or some shit like that. Anyhoo they Cyclones shocked Oklahoma State by winning in OT and getting us closer to an LSU/Alabama rematch in the title game. Barring a Bobby Petrino led upset of Our-Kansas over the Honeybadger and LSU Friday afternoon of course. So while your significant other is out fighting fat woman for sales at Wal-Mart on black Friday your ass should be planted in front of the TV at 2:30. The Mullet feels a Razorback upset………

And then came Saturday……

Lee Corso’s “oh fuck it” gaff on college gameday Saturday morning was like a prophecy of the action to follow the rest of the day. On a day that most experts labeled as “a boring” college weekend was the complete opposite, proving yet again that ESPN analyst are, well, fucking stupid.

First the Baylor Bears stunned Oklahoma Saturday evening while little known quarterback Robert Griffin III has once again thrust his name into Heisman candidacy even though nobody who watches college football has any fucking clue who he is.

USC showed that cheaters do apparently still win, even after sanctions out the ass as they topped the Ducks in Autzen stadium, giving the Ducks their second loss of the season and all but ensuring that shroom loving stoners everywhere won’t be watching this season’s NCAA title game since they can’t tune in and “zone out dude” on Oregon’s bright ass yellow socks streaking down the field in HD.  Bummer for Greatful Dead football fans everywhere.

In other BCS madness this weekend Debow-Dabo Swinney’s Clemson Tigers were shellacked by a mediocre NC State team giving up 27 points to the Pack in the 2^nd quarter. Houston and Case Keenum rolled another shitty opponent in the Big Waste of My Fucking Time Conference’s West division, setting up the barn burning match up against the Southern Miss Eagles in the BWMFT conference’s championship game.

Michigan welcomed Big 10(12) newcomer Nebraska to the Big Ho by throttling them 45-17 . The Ohio State Buckeyes took one in the Auschwitz in front of 90,000 annoying Buckeye fans at the hands of  the State Penn Nittany Lions who kept their hopes alive of winning a Big Ten championship  in Indy and ultimately forcing us to watch a sappy montage before their BCS game about the players left in the wake of the scandal. Please, spare me, these kids stopped playing for Joe Pa once they set foot on campus and realized their head coach and the dead guy from Weekend at Bearnie’s were in fact, the same person.

And finally in non-BCS news a woman was killed when a U-Haul driving empty beer kegs at the Harvard/Yale game ran over a woman and 2 others. Now I know death is a fickle thing but seriously, wouldn’t you expect this to happen at a Georgia game where some idiot Freshman rush candidate did his best Steve-O impression by trying to tackle a beer truck? Not something I expect at a school “grooming future government leaders”. Actually, given the present regime in Washington maybe this does all make sense.

In the NFL the Chiefs, Browns, Jags, Panthers, Skins and Vikings suck, the entire NFC west sucks (besides the Mullets 49ers of course.)

In other teams that suck news. Chargers head coach Norv Turner must have pics of the Chargers owners banging kittens because for some reason HE STILL HAS A FUCKING JOB. Seriously, if I went to work, watched reruns of the Office on my computer till noon, rubbed one out in the company bathroom at lunch then came back and crawled under my desk and slept until 5 I would still get more done than this asshole. Plus he is fucking terrible to look at on my huge HD TV.  Next Halloween I am going to wear a Norv Turner mask when I hand out candy in my neighborhood, that way children will be so frightened  by my appearance that they skip my crib and leave all the candy for me to eat.

The Colts actually won in week 11 by not having to show their face in front of 75,000 people at home cheering for them to lose. Except of course for chick Colt fans on Facebook who still don’t get that the Colts losing these days is a GOOD thing.

Somehow the Dolphins all of a sudden don’t suck after throttling the Bills. Ahh the Bills lost, that means we are spared another week of Chris Berman spewing his infamous “nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills blah blah blah blah FUCKING BLAH!!!!”. Could someone in Bristol please tell this dickbag about a little known comedian named Carrot Top who annoys crowds with the same jokes he told in ’91? Honsetly I would bet my last beer out of a tall boy 6 pack that Berman stands in front of the mirror all week long talking to himself since apparently he loves his own fucking voice so much. Jesus I hate this guy. Could someone at least give him some new hand gestures to do when he is talking?  Fuck me.

In college hoops action……nothing happened. Its November and beating North Gulf Valley State of Lincoln Tech doesn’t mean a fucking thing.

Sorry for all the F-bombs. Its been one of those weeks for the Mullet.

Peace! The Mullet is out like hammer pants.

The UK fan manifesto

Popular to this 1989 Sports Illustrated cover Kentucky’s real “shame” isn’t that they got busted by the NCAA in the late 80’s. No, their shame lies within their obnoxious fanbase.

As the NCAA hoops season is under way and UK has yet another ridiculous recruiting class that will be sure to make a run to the final 4 under their shady, scumbag coach  I would like to explain exactly why myself and 99% of non-Cat fans, hate UK and hope they lose every time they take the floor.

Fasten in, here we go……

We hate UK because we are completely and utterly jealous of your titles, your tradition and by gummit, you are just better than us and that’s what makes us hate you.

Yeeeeeeah right.

OK, now that I have told UK fans why THEY believe we hate them allow me to explain exactly why we hate UK, and it has absolutely nothing to do with your program. I actually respect the shit out of your programs tradition and accomplishments (even though 3 of your titles came when the top teams of that season refused to compete in the NCAA tourney due to the fact that teams with black players, like Michigan for example, WERE allowed to compete in tournament play.) Translation: the best teams of that season didn’t play in the tournaments you won under Adolf Rupp. Look it up assuming you can read of course.

I’ve been to Rupp, awesome college basketball atmosphere minus the uber annoying Ashley Judd.

No the reason we hate UK has nothing to do with UKs accomplishments but instead the redneck, fair-weather Catfan that won’t shut up about how great they are when they are winning but amazingly become silent and “lose” all of their UK gear to the bottom of their closet once they aren’t dominating college basketball.

Example: Last season. Before the Final 4 I didn’t see much UK gear out and about around town, except for the 400 pound redneck at Kroger that had a tattoo of the UK Wildcat tearing out of his right bicep.

No, Catfan thought they sucked in 2010 and had no chance getting past the 2^nd round so they chose to put away their lame ass UK2K shirts in December and retreat until next season. Then BAM they are unexpectedly in the final four and like a David Copperfield magic trick all of a sudden the little blue car flags appeared flying all over town like the plague.

Before I continue I want to exclude some UK fans.  For example my friend Lane who moved here from the ole Mississip. She got hooked to UK basketball and is a genuine Cat Fan who cheers on her Cats and just enjoys their wins without being an obnoxious asshole about it. Or for the Catfan that, God forbid ACTUALLY graduated from UK then please, disregard this rant, it is clearly not directed at you. Instead it is aimed at the Catfan who annoys the shit out of co-workers, family and their friends on Facebook. There is nothing wrong with the occasional Go Cats! post on FB but you know when you are being an obnoxious ass about it, if you cross that line, this story is for you. The sad thing is that I know many genuine UK fans and actually have lived with a diehard Cat fan for the last 5 years who is completely embarrassed by the “other” Catfans that give their program a black eye.

As for actual UK alum, the ones that I know are embarrassed and try to separate themselves from the common “Cleavon the goat fucker” UK fan who annoys his co-workers every day with his “UK is the best ever man” bullshit.

I remember the days when UK fans referred to UofL players as “just a bunch of ghetto ni**ers”  just because of their style of play, but now days they amazingly embrace players like DeMarc-ass Cousins and their recent recruits made up of mostly inner city “ghetto” kids. We have had to hear this racist excuse from UK fans for the last 35+ years. Whats your excuse to hate UofL now that you have embraced the “ghetto” ball style? Pat Riley aint walking through that door.

Yes this is the annoying Catfan blabbering that I have been forced to listen to day in and day out my whole life that makes me literally pray to the lord UK loses every Saturday so Monday at work you can hear their lame excuses that “we only lost cause we were resting our players for the Florida game” or whatever other bad excuse they have for losing.

Allow me to explain where my hatred for bad UK fans comes from. I can remember like yesterday the kid in 3^rd grade that made me loath UK. His name was Mike Grimes. He was a UL fan at first, and then when UK started winning again he was all of a sudden started rocking rec-specs and pretending he was Kenny “Sky” Walker on the playground. He would come in every morning at 7:45 talking shit about UK and how IU or UofL lost and wouldn’t shut up all day long. Then in 1989 after “Kentuckys shame” the shit talking stopped and all of a sudden he wasn’t a UK fan anymore, he didn’t even like college basketball and had “moved on” to the NBA.

Little did I know then that he would be the blueprint for UK fans I would encounter for the rest of my life.

You see the reason I, and most people, hate UK fans is because  a large majority of UK fans these days are Cat fans not because of their love of college hoops but instead to make up for the lack of, as so eloquently stated by Charlie Sheen, “winning” in their own lives. Your life didn’t turn out how you wanted, you shovel dead raccoons off the side of the interstate every day or your boss rides your ass all day at work or you possibly smoke meth. Either way the only way you make yourself a “winner” is by aligning yourself with a program that you view as a winner, which, in your mind, makes you a winner.

NEWSFLASH……..It doesn’t.

You see while most people are fans of their teams UK supporters take it to the next level. They let their fandom represent who THEY are as a person. If UK wins then “I win” is their mindset.

Seriously, almost every time I go out in public rather it be to the grocery, gas station or a restaurant and see some dirty, ignorant, loud obnoxious person, 90% of the time they are wearing a UK shirt. It is a fact. Period.

So this season when UK basketball is kicking the shit out of every team they play there is one way to tell the difference between “intelligent” basketball fans who like UK and the rednecks that I am talking about in this rant. It’s pretty simple. Intelligent UK fans realize that they have a shady coach who will eventually get them busted and back on probation, because, well they actually use their brain. While the ignorant Catfan can be identified by one of the following: They are loud, obnoxious, have very little to no actual basketball knowledge, will talk shit about your team while basking in the glory of UK winning and won’t shut the fuck up about it, they have a mullet or they can’t spell “Cat” without looking at their t-shirt. In most cases it will be at least 5 out of the 6. Most of these fans are easily spotted because they wear their UK2K shirt so much that it is as faded as Snoop Dog rapping on the Chronic.

Now many of you will say that the Iron Mullet sounds like an elitist snob. Maybe. If that means I wash my clothes, comb my hair, bath, brush my teeth and speak intelligently then call me an elitist. I would rather be a snob then some troll Caftan who has to rely on a basketball team to make me feel better about myself.

In conclusion, we don’t hate UK because they win, no we hate them because 75% of their fanbase is so annoying that we use the word “hate” to describe them. Although we cheer our asses off for our teams if our team loses we realize it’s just a game while when UK loses they make up a ton of excuses before returning to their miserable lives where the only time they are “winning” is when the Cats are trampling other teams. Otherwise they are just average Joes with bad haircuts and a faded UK2K shirt.

The Iron Mullet will be selling UK2K(2) shirts after Cal gets your program busted and you become the first team to ever win 2,000 games twice.